I have fallen in love with two things lately: Warhammer Online and the San Diego Zoo Panda Cam. Because, seriously, watching a mommy and a baby panda sleep is just so OMGCUTE I can hardly stand it. I just keep the page up and watch her breathe while I do other things.



The Warhammer Online thing, well, I blame my husband. He mentioned that they have an unlimited free trial (which is actually somewhat limited as there's a level cap) and was trying it out and I got intrigued so I installed it, too. I really, really like it a lot. Which means I have to be really, really careful. Back in my unmarried no-kids NYC days we both got into Everquest and we played it incessantly. He played a lot more than me in the end because I realized after pulling an all-nighter on a weekday and having to drag my ass to work the next morning that it probably wasn't a good idea to let myself get sucked in that far. Michael refers to the year he spent playing as "gone forever". With that in mind, I know that I'm the kind of person who can truly get addicted to things like online games and so I purposely avoid them. I'll play a standalone game as it's finite and I might get obsessed for a week and then it's over and even those I keep few and far between. Forever and ever I've been wanting to play World of Warcraft because I am positive I would absolutely love it and that's why - I WOULD absolutely love it and I would neglect my life in favor of playing it. It's depressing as hell but it's the truth - I will never have an epic mount. Too bad, so sad.

So anyway, I've been mildly sucked in by Warhammer Online. Michael plays Warhammer the miniature-based strategy game, he's spent a lot of time in the past decade assembling and painting legions of orcs, goblins, Brettonians, undead, dwarves, nuns, skaven, you name it, and I've always liked the creative design of the figs he puts together. Therefore Warhammer Online appealed to me as the characters are already so familiar. I've been really careful, though, and have set myself some ground rules that I staunchly adhere to:

1. No playing when the kids are awake. I did play a couple of evenings before kidlet was in bed and all he did was stand at my elbow watching me with his mouth hanging open. When I felt irritated that he was interrupting me I realized just how twisted that was and put my own foot down on, well, myself. So now the kids have to be in bed and asleep before I even consider firing up the game.

2. No playing until chores are done. The kitchen is clean, the clutter on the dining room table and living room floor is picked up, the laundry is either done or a load is running and the animals are fed. Neglecting those duties to play a game is stupidness and I know better.

3. No playing after midnight. I try to keep myself to a bedtime of eleven o'clock but that usually ends up being closer to midnight after brushing my teeth and puttering around and whatnot.

4. Most importantly: Family and home come first. This is more a reiteration of rules 1-3 but I feel it bears repeating to myself. In the past I've run myself ragged being addicted to the computer and that is NOT what I want my kids to remember about me. It was fine when I only had to answer to myself, but my life is no longer like that any more.

So far, so good. I actually haven't played at all this weekend opting instead to do housework and work on xmas gifts once the kids are in bed. With Michael being sick the days have been solidly filled with childcare so I haven't even had time to think about anything else.

I did take kidlet to the YMCA for family swim today while Mim was napping, we had a really nice time. His swimming is so improved from last year - I no longer fear that he'll immediately drown if he were to fall in the water. He was able to swim pretty well on his back and I worked with him for a while on floating. Lots of fun. Afterward we went to Denny's for lunch and I had a noxious burger that gave me a wicked stomachache. I told Michael when I got home, "Remind me never to eat there again if I've forgotten just how horrid I feel today."

Before we went to Denny's there was a train crossing town so I parked at the library and we got out to stand about twenty feet from the tracks to watch it go by. It was actually pretty cool and educational - the train cars have their empty and loaded weights on the side of them and I had no idea that an empty train car weighs an average of 65,000 pounds. When filled, it can weigh up to 300,000 pounds! We calculated if an average train car weighed 250,000 pounds when loaded and the train had 30 cars that it would weigh 7.5 million pounds or 3,750 TONS. I honestly had NO idea that a train could weigh that much and now that I'm thinking about it I didn't allow for the engine or the caboose, either, so like whoa. After the train passed we put our hand on the track to feel the vibration and looked closely at the pits in the metal from numerous trains crossing over them every day. There are times I really love living in an old mill town, there are so many interesting things to see.

My stepmother gave Michael some temporary tattoos for Hallowe'en and wow these things are incredible. Not incredible as in works of art or anything but the child-satisfaction factor is SO HIGH for something so simple. The pack he got was mixed so it contained a bunch of "girly" ones featuring butterflies and fairies and the like.

Husby has been under the weather with a mild fever/cold symptoms so I've had to take care of the kids a lot this weekend along with keeping up on dishes/laundry/upkeep, which is exhausting enough as it is. For some reason Margaret was just in a poor mood on Saturday, very moody and whiny and prone to sudden fits of wailing for no good reason. I was feeling particularly wrung out and she was in the middle of a screaming thrashing fit on the floor when I remembered them in kidlet's project box (where we keep his worksheets and art supplies where they can be carried from room to room but kept out of Mim's reach) and asked her if she wanted one. I took out the girl themed ones and showed them all to her and she selected a sun, then indicated she wanted it on her stomach. She sat very still and patiently as I held it to her belly with a wet washcloth and counted to thirty, and then when I removed the paper revealing the design on her skin she was so pleased, it made her attitude do a complete turnaround. She must have walked around holding up her shirt so she could see it for twenty minutes afterward, and proudly showed it to everyone she came across.

Today the kids were acting a bit crazy from being cooped up and Mim's sun was just about washed away after a bath so I suggested that both the kids pick one out. Kidlet chose a zipper and Mim chose a red balloon. My camera battery was only good for one flash photo before it pooped out so I just got this shot of kidlet and his proud creation:



He said he couldn't wait to go to school tomorrow and joke with other kids that he needed to check and see if he had enough room to eat his lunch. Mim was extremely pleased with her balloon and I'm sure the daycare girls will get a kick out of it tomorrow when they change her diaper for the first time.

Those temporary tattoos are such a hit that I'm thinking they would be perfect for kid xmas gifts - they're not messy, they come in a ton of cute designs and kids love them. I also talked to kidlet about collecting all of the broken crayons around the house and melting them down to make new ones - I was thinking about making some stick molds using sculpey or air-drying clay - it would be cool to swirl two complementary colors for blending. I want to encourage him to make some gifts for the other kids on our list as he loves to make things and I think he'll get a lot of satisfaction and holiday spirit from creating things for other people to enjoy. It might be worthwhile to make some really easy candles, too, as we have a billion individual serving-size yogurt cups that we could use as a mold. I remember my mother making candles with us as kids, she would cut up big chunks of colored wax that we would pile into an old pint-sized milk carton around the wick, then pour melted wax to fill the container so the resulting candle looked sort of like stained glass (or more realistically like ice cubes in a murky drink, but still loads of fun).

Xmas this year I'm hoping to do as handmade as possible. I've got a whole bunch of felt kicking around the house - I collected some nice wool felt when I was visiting Joy in Montana and I've got a few stacks from other sources still in the tissue paper they came wrapped in. I have way more than enough to make a ton of cute things. I recently invested in this book:

Kata Golda's Hand-Stitched Felt: 25 Whimsical Sewing Projects



Which, frankly, isn't all that complex but it is adorable and gives me tons of inspiration. I'd like to work my way through most of the designs in the book and then see where my creativity goes from there. I got bitten by the bug to dig out my felt again when Kerry showed me all the amazing felt food she's been working on for her kids. It is so adorable! I thought of a number of things I could make for people just from this book so I'm starting there. I would highly recommend it, it's a very cute book.

Of course I loved the finger puppets on the cover so I tried my hand at making them. Here are my first two prototypes which have already been claimed by my kids. I made the first "diddy" for Margaret but then kidlet saw it and asked me when I was making the next one for him. Once I got into the groove they whip up pretty fast.



While looking through the book I thought of making some felt "paper" dolls and a feltboard for the two bigger little girls we know, or some characters to create little scenes kind of like the Colorforms of yesteryear. I can embroider all sorts of cute little details on them and maybe even add some beads and buttons or other doodads I have tucked away around here. I also got thinking about how I own all of this dye and I could, if I wanted, buy white wool felt by the yard and then dye it whatever colors I want. That might even be a marketable item should I finally get back in the swing of things again. Lots of ideas, so little time so I'll just tuck that one away for later.

It's nice to feel excited about something creative again, it's been a while.

I came across this somewhere last night and I totally love this girl.



This is exactly how I remember being when I was a kid. I had lots of adults say to me, "Where do you get all of your energy?" and I'd answer, "I dunno! Do I have a lot of energy? I'm just happy! Happy!happy!happy! I also ate marshmallows today. Yay marshmallows! Whee!" When she does the handstand I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

But sheesh, no wonder other kids' parents had reservations about me. I was a bit of a weirdo with no regard for what other people thought of my weirdness. Still am, just lot less boundless pep. Maybe I should go eat some marshmallows!

I keep thinking of things to write about while I go about my day. I say to myself, "Oh, I ought to write this down so I don't forget it," or, "This is mildly interesting enough to mention," but then I don't and when I do like I'm doing now, log in to catch up, I can't remember any of it.

I did shoot some cute video today of Michael and Margaret blowing bubbles in the bathtub but I can't find my Firewire cable to transfer them to my computer. Drat.

Mim is so cute lately, she's become obsessed with this little board book my stepmother got her for Hallowe'en called Spooky Pumpkin - the cover is a soft sculpture spooky pumpkin:



The drawings inside are cute and she'll spend a lot of time looking through it and pointing at pictures either asking, "Dat?" for me to tell her the object's name, or saying it herself. She's so different than Michael as by the time he was two he was speaking in complete, often complex sentences and had a very wide vocabulary for his age. Margaret on the other hand is very verbal but not much of it is actually English. She speaks quite fluently, with natural sounding inflection and intonation so she clearly means something, it's just that none of us are really sure what. Whatever she's saying makes perfect sense to her, though, because if you do not react to her satisfaction she will repeat herself with more emphasis while looking at you like you're a friggin idiot.

Some of her cute Margaretisms:

"dat" = what's that
"peese" = please
"nie" = nice
"beebee" = baby
"diddy" = kitty
"vuff" = dog (woof)
"gohss" = ghost
"baht" = bat
"suh" = sun
"moom" = moon
"at" = hat
"nie nie" = night night
"bahh" = sippy cup (bottle)
"nunee" = pacifier
"Micoh" = Michael
"bubba" = brother
"daddy" = mommy
"mama" = daddy
"yesh" = yes
"mm-hmm!" = yes
"ball" = ball
"bahboe" = bubble
"bahboe" = balloon
"poon" = spoon
"aa-poe" = apple/onion/orange
"nun-nah-na" = banana
"noh" = nose
"mouf" = mouth
"ahhh" = tongue
"butt" = butt
"butt" = vagina
"butt" = cup

The only words she says clearly are "hi", "bye bye", "no", "eye", "ear", "boo boo" and "boobie". She also knows Jenn's son Max, when she sees him she'll get very excited and say, "Hi, Max! Hi, Max! Hi! Hi! HI MAX!" When they play with toys she'll steal them from him, pushing him firmly away while saying, "NO, Max! NO! Max!" Mean girl.

I got her a cute hat last weekend. Jenn had a 30% off coupon for Old Navy so we hit the clearance racks and did pretty well, on average I ended up getting about 75% off of original price. Anyway the hat was something like three bucks and I couldn't pass it up. I also got her a shirt at Target on clearance from Hallowe'en for fifty cents - I'm one of those weird people who think the concept of "seasonal" clothing is a myth. Besides Margaret is obsessed with kitties right now so anything with a cat on it is fantastic to her.

Baby Levi's + adorable hat + kitty shirt + kitty shoes = coma-inducing cuteness.



Now, I know very well that I'm biased but she is so cute in these pictures that I can hardly contain myself.

Here I was trying to get her to smile...



...and this is her smile for pictures. Hmm, grimacey.



It is so hard to look at her sometimes because she is growing too, too, too fast. Here I can see her as a teenager and I want to know where my baby has gone?!



Michael is a bit put off that I take so many pictures of his sister. I remind him that when he was this age, I took many, many pictures of him, too. I don't want him to feel left out but he makes so many stupid faces whenever I point a camera at him now that I've just given up unless I sneak up on him. I also don't want Margaret to become the victim of the dreaded Younger Child Syndrome, the one in which the oldest child is better documented than all others that come afterward. My older brother - about 5,000 pictures of him growing up, rolls of Super 8 film. Me - about 5 pictures and all of them show me with a bad haircut and a filthy dirty face. Not fair, I tell you.

Ah hell, I don't know what else to write about. I want to make lots of xmas gifts this year. I've made a decision that instead of waiting until close to the 25th to do my baking and then ending up having to do a metric assload all at once and getting things out late or not at all that I would just get started the first or second week of December. As I get stuff finished I'll just mail it out. Who cares if it arrives before xmas, at least it's not stale and/or forgotten. People will just have to deal. To that end I have the new Real Simple and Martha Stewart Living magazines sitting here on my desk waiting for me to page through them and they're so thick that it's a little intimidating.

I made some kick-ass squash tonight. I'm not sure what kind of squash it was - it wasn't quite buttercup squash as it was too large for that, dark green and resembling a vertically-challenged pumpkin. It took some doing to hack it up but I was able to get both halves, cut side up, crammed into my Le Creuset French oven. I put about half an inch of water into the bottom of the pot, spread a little butter inside the cavities of the squash along with a tablespoon or so of brown sugar and a very small amount of maple syrup, then plopped the lid on and put it in to convect at 400 degrees for about an hour. Left to go pick up the kids (husby stayed home), went to the grocery store to get a rotisserie chicken along with a rather long list of other stuff we'd run out of (milk, soy milk, yogurt, bread, that sort of thing) and a 15# frozen turkey for next week. By the time I got home the squash was done and it was AMAZING. Just that little bit of sugar and syrup made it so fantastic, I scooped out the squash and mashed it with a fork before serving. I am so totally making that for Thanksgiving with my family next Saturday.

Hmm, let's see, what else. I've been using Windows 7 and so far I like it.

Ok, that clearly tells me it's time for bed, when I start talking about squash and operating systems. Night!

I'm so excited - my husband hung some of his paintings in the living room on Saturday!

This is a big deal to me, he repainted that room, what, three years ago? Four? It was a while. Actually putting holes in it to hang stuff is a huge step and I love that we have art on the wall now - even better, art that was made by my husband! I think it'll be a really cool thing for the kids to see on a daily basis.

It's got me thinking a lot about my own photographs, of sprucing a bunch up and getting them into frames. I have one solitary multi-frame with pictures of kidlet hanging in the extension that I love very much, and I have a few more of those multi-frames kicking around the house waiting to be used. I figure I'll start with those, pick out some photos of the kids to do up probably in black and white and get printed just so I can get them up on the wall.

Expanding on that idea, though, I really want to get a more polished and professional looking frame grouping together to put either in the dining room (so it can be seen through our front window - sometimes I look through at night and it looks like no one lives here) or the living room, something prominent and slick looking. I want the kids to see these great pictures of themselves that I've taken - hell, *I* want to see these great pictures of my kids that I've taken - but I'm slightly intimidated by the thought of having to find frames and figure out how to hang them and get pictures in the right sizes and where do I have them printed and aieee! Fortunately my friend Rene can help me with the getting photos printed part since she's a professional photographer and has a lab she uses in Portland that does nice work. That reminds me that I have the studio photos I purchased from her waiting to be put in frames, as well. Ugh, so much to do.

But anyway, I was thinking it would be nice to get frames that either have no frames so I could maybe have the photos sized to fit right to the edges, or something with a very thin brushed nickel frame and white mats. I want the photos themselves to be the focal point, not the frames. While I do like the look of nickel or white frames and wide white mats with a nice photo right in the middle, I kind of want to emphasize the kids as the subjects in this instance and have as little frame/mat in the way as possible. Piggyback that on the desire to paint the dining room something somewhat dramatic, like a warm cocoa or maybe a cranberry color and I think some contrasty black and whites would pop nicely.

Well, we'll see. Obviously our budget will dictate just what is possible, so for now I'll concentrate on filling the white frames I already have.

In other-other news I'm back in the pool after not swimming at all last week.


** begin TMI alert **



I didn't write about it as I didn't think it was all that relevant at the time but I had a really, really horrible period. Like, nearly called the doctor horrible, would have thought I was having a miscarriage if it hadn't been right on schedule horrible. I was just outside the "if you are soaking a tampon or pad once every hour for 3 hours, call your doctor" guideline, and it was awful. Things started normally enough on Friday and then from Sunday through Wednesday it was Friday the 13th, so bad that I was actually afraid to go to the pool as I didn't think an industrial-sized tampon would be enough to swim for thirty minutes and whoa, I so did NOT want to go THERE.



** end TMI alert **


Yeah, so anyway I'm back in the pool as of yesterday, swam laps last night and again today at lunch. Monday night was HARD, I was sluggish and couldn't hold my breath for anything. I floundered through 25 minutes and was grateful to drag myself out of the pool at the end. Today I popped two acetaminophen with my morning coffee and things were infinitely easier this time around. I swam a solid 30 minutes and took my time showering to enjoy the hot water. I'm looking forward to when it's really cold outside as I'm planning to pop into the steam room before showering, ahh.

I feel pretty good afterward. A little more energy and not as sore as I have been so I think I'm getting adjusted. I sure hope so, after doing this for a month and a half more or less straight.

Maybe this is weird and maybe this isn't but I recently started drinking coconut water after I finish swimming. I read (on the package, ha) that coconut water has a lot more potassium than a banana and contains electrolytes that are better than sports drinks for replenishing the body after exertion. I mean, who really knows if it's true or not, but it tastes good and has some vitamins and doesn't have too much sweetness to it. When it's cold it's pretty yummy stuff. Anyone have any opinion on it? Mind you, this isn't coconut milk, it's not creamy at all, it's the water inside of a baby coconut so it's clear and, well, watery. It tastes mildly like coconut and is a pleasant flavor. I love coconut so I figured I'd be into it.

I've also been eating raw (well, what passes for 'raw' these days) almonds as a snack rather than peanuts or cashews. Cashews are just too heavy to eat a lot of and I get very sick of peanut breath. Almonds are nommy and don't leave an aftertaste, which I like. I also read they're supposed to be good for your cholesterol and improve the body's abilities to burn fat. We shall see!

In other-other news I volunteered at kidlet's school today and there were a number of kids out in his classroom. A couple of kids told me that one child was out with a fever and while I was there another child left with a headache and a warm forehead. Vaccine reactions? Possibly. It did seem awfully coincidental that 20% of kidlet's class would suddenly be out sick the day after the vaccine clinic. When I was signing out in the office a parent was standing there, cradling his child and speaking with the school nurse and another staff member. I only overheard a small bit of the conversation, something about the child's teacher thinking that he was fine but the father distinctly disagreed. He said something about speaking with someone about it and it seemed a bit tense so I didn't stick around. Ugh, the whole thing makes me nervous. I keep reminding kidlet not to put his fingers in his mouth at school and the moment he arrives home I make him wash his hands. Taking our vitamin D and crossing our fingers!

Kidlet's school had their H1N1 vaccine clinic today. I prepared for this by emailing his teacher and the school nurse, as well as including a note in his pocket stating that he was not to receive either the injected or intranasal seasonal or H1N1 flu vaccine. I also talked to kidlet and told him to make sure no one tried to give him a shot or squirt anything up his nose, and to avoid touching any classmates who did get the vaccine and to wash his hands frequently.

I do worry a little bit that he'll end up bringing home some frankenflu from the attenuated intranasal vaccine but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. We're stocked up with stuff to treat symptoms and even a good supply of albuterol and pulmicort left over from Mim's ailments over the Summer in case anyone needs breathing treatments. The last time I talked to her doctor she said, "If you have all of that prescription left over, just hold onto it until the expiration date and if either of your kids are having trouble again we can probably diagnose them over the phone." So, there. In case of emergency. Hopefully we won't have to use it but it's nice to have.

Kidlet came home and told me that he got to read while the other kids were off getting vaccinated, and he wasn't even the only kid who was opting out which made me happy that he wasn't the only one with freak parents. I'm very relieved that there were no "accidents" like I was hearing about in the news, where vaccine clinic workers were giving the vaccine to kids who weren't supposed to get it, or giving the wrong vaccine altogether or twice the dose they were supposed to get, etc., etc. I very nearly kept kidlet home from school just to be safe but in the end decided to chance it since I had an email from his teacher and a voicemail from the school nurse confirming that he was not to receive the vaccine.

In some real crap news Michael had his follow-up visit regarding his A1C and he's been put on insulin. We've been dreading this for nearly a decade now since he was first diagnosed so it really sucks. There's a very, very slim chance that with yet more lifestyle changes (more exercise, more dietary restriction) he might be able to go off of it but I don't think that's all that likely any more. Diabetes is a progressive disease and you can slow it down but you can't turn it off. I think it's bothering him a lot especially considering he turns 40 next year. Talk about unfair - eat right, exercise, and get diabetes anyway.

Well in any case it continues to kick my fat ass into gear, I'm out the door to swim laps tonight. Later gators.

It's chilly this morning and my bed was oh so warm and cozy but I hauled myself out of it around 6:10 anyway since Michael had to be in Portland early today. Nice run-on sentence, dweeb.

In a way it was nice - I mean, the getting up part wasn't nice, and the freezing my butt off in a nightgown in our kitchen part wasn't nice (yay old houses), but I was able to get Margaret dressed and make lunches and harangue my son about getting dressed, brushing his teeth, putting on his shoes, brushing his hair, etc., etc...every morning we go through the same routine where we tell him to do these things and he frits and farts around for an hour barely getting them done.

(begin tangent)

I'm sure it's a normal kid thing but it drives me batty. As an aside we've talked to him about starting giving him an allowance where he can earn money by doing regular chores around the house, but also that doing things like leaving his light on upstairs or missing the bus due to goofing around instead of getting ready for school would subtract from his earnings. I'm going to help him by making a chart he can mark off every morning and evening to keep him on track - this sort of thing helped him a lot when he was wee and learning to do things by himself - but I feel like we need to do something about breaking this bad habit because it really affects us when we have to drive him to school because he wasn't ready after he danced around in his underwear for twenty minutes.

Don't get me wrong, I love my speshul indigo snowflayke but damn, kid, put some pants on already. I'm trying to impress upon him how his decisions impact other people and not just himself. We all make sacrifices, deal with it.

(end tangent)

Once Michael left with Margaret I read with kidlet for a few minutes, then ran to throw on some clothes so I could go outside in more than my nightgown and slippers. I managed a tee shirt, a hooded sweater, workout pants, socks, and slippers so at least that was a slight upgrade. I even brushed my hair, imagine that!

We can't watch for the bus from inside the house so the only other options are the front porch, but only I can see over our fence to where the bus crests the hill, or the yard where we can both see but there's nowhere to sit. Actually there's nowhere to sit on the porch, either, as sitting on the steps is too low to see up the road. Whoops. Didn't think of that when we put our F-U-Neighbor fence up. Oh well.

We went down to the tree at the edge of our yard to wait for the bus. We live on a pretty busy street so when we're out there everyone driving by can see us. I'll be out at the grocery store or the YMCA and someone will say to me, "I saw you the other morning with your son, out in your yard!" About once a week someone we know will honk their horn as they drive by. So, yeah, pretty public. We've still got some sizable piles of maple leaves out there that Michael is in the process of bagging up and stacking against the foundation of the house. Kidlet was looking at one big pile longingly and I said, "Sure, go ahead and jump in, I'll watch for the bus." He very happily dove in and discovered that while the leaves on top were rimed with frost, the ones underneath were dry and when buried in them he felt warmer.

I decided that leaning against a tree wasn't nearly as fun as what my kid was doing so I joined him sitting in the leaves. It was a lot warmer than being upright, as well. We had a very pleasant time hanging out and chatting and piling leaves on top of him until his bus came. There was only one other little girl on the bus and she just stared and stared at me the whole time as kidlet got on. He had a huge smile on his face, though, and flashed me the customary "I love you" sign as his bus trundled off down the hill.

This afternoon I decided to repeat the performance and took my place in the pile. As Joe pulled up alongside me he opened the door and said, "You been there all day?" I wish! Kidlet was so tickled to see me waiting for him in the leaves so we played out there for a few minutes before coming indoors.

I know that soon enough my behaviour will be an embarrassment to him, but for now I'll revel in those days when being a little weird is still cool to my kid.

I also sat in the leaves this afternoon because my across the street neighbor was out on his huge fancy lawn tractor, again, sucking up the six leaves that have fallen on his lawn since two days ago. I'm envious of that guy's lawn tractor, and probably more envious of all the spare time he has to fart around out there fussing over a few leaves. I really do wonder how much gas he's wasting driving around and around and around in circles, up and down beside the sidewalk. I got a closer view from the leaf pile and he's not a younger guy like I thought, he's actually an old guy with really poorly dyed black hair.

I'm bummed. I don't think Kidlet has chicken pox after all. It hasn't gotten any worse and the bumps look like he's scratched them but they're on their way to healing up. He hasn't gotten any cold symptoms or fever. Sigh. Back to the drawing board.

In other fairly exciting news I have a headache. Yay. I also made it through Dragula on Expert which surprised me - I tried it on a lark as I had just played it on Hard and figured I'd get knocked out instantly, but no, I made it to the end without even flashing red once! Then I was so excited while describing it to Jenn that I hit the green button and didn't get to see my score. Wah! Oh well, "surviving" will just have to do for now. What a totally fun song.

Now I didn't do it nearly as well as this guy, but you can see what it looks like.

This morning kidlet asked my husby where he got all the "bug bites" from and lifted his shirt to show him a number of small red bumps on his left upper chest.

I got so excited I nearly peed myself.

He claims they've been there since "the day before yesterday" which would be Wednesday, and has been scratching them a little bit though I've more or less convinced him to stop and haven't caught him yet. He had a shower Thursday morning and neither of us had noticed them, though we weren't really looking for them either. Kept him home from school, of course, and brought him to the doctor even though I figured there wasn't much to diagnose as yet.

I was correct - the spots don't have large enough pustules to tell if they're chicken pox for sure and the doctor asked us all sorts of questions about pets and bedbugs and etc. I said to him, "We have one indoor cat who does not have fleas, and we all sleep in the same bed but he's the only one with marks so I don't think they're insect bites." I was told to use calamine lotion and Benadryl for itching, if needed, and if they didn't go away to come back next week (which tells me it probably is CP). He asked me if kidlet had received the varicella zoster vaccine and when I answered in the negative he said, "Why not?" I said, "I'd rather he catches it naturally," and the doc just laughed. All righty, then. I need to come up with a better comeback, apparently.

My due diligence complete, I told Michael he could stay home the rest of the day and he was thrilled. Technically I could have sent him back to school because the doctor said it wasn't chicken pox from what he could tell - but then again I know that someone is contagious from the day the rash appears so it would be pretty irresponsible to just send him to school, in my opinion. He spent the day playing lots of Lego Star Wars and working on some math worksheets he asked me to print out for him.

Tonight his spots are a little bigger, a little redder, and there appear to be a few more of them. Looking very good. I'll be watching carefully for cold symptoms and fever as the weekend goes on, and I've got a tube of homeopathic itch cream at the ready. There's really no saying how this might go - my mother told me that I had 2-3 red spots and no other symptoms, while my older brother had them all over his body and even inside his mouth, he was so miserable. Of course I get shingles from time to time now, so I almost hope that kidlet has a good healthy case of CP just to get it over with.

The only thing that sucks is the incubation period varies, so even if we rub Margaret against him it might be a few weeks before she comes down with anything. I guess it's possible they both got it from the same source and she'll come down with it soon, too, I've got my fingers crossed.

Why? Why am I pounding my own thumb with a hammer? Someone slap me.

My brother's latest:

Yes it is true children should be made aware there is an alternative lifestyle. And congrats for little mikey being so accepting of said lifestyle. But at what age is this knowledge best taught,be it hetero marriage or homosexual marriage. I personally have friends in my town who moved from Massachussets to avoid such teachings to their then 8yr old son. And this same couple have a nephew still within the mass. school system who at the age of 9 yrs old has other kids in his class who proclaim to be gay. This lifestyle choice has been TAUGHT to these kids whilst they are still young and impressionable. Unfortunately for the gay marriage proponents,this doesnt paint a rosey picture of THEIR agendas within any school system. Now Jen you proclaim from your mighty perch on your teetering soapbox that treating people badly whom are different then you or have different views then you is wrong. What exactly do you feel you are doing by demeaning others for their views. Maybe I as a blue collar red-neck type should feel that I am being discriminated against simply because I share the same opinions as the MAJORITY of the voting public in this state. And please note dear sister not once in either post have I demeaned,ridiculed, or otherwise haraunged or GOD forbid discriminated against anyone or any group of people.


Good lord, he is SO MUCH like our mother that it scares the shit out of me. She used these kinds of tactics ALL THE TIME whenever I'd say something she didn't like, only she'd throw the word "bitch" in there just for good measure.

I really should just let it drop because it's throwing tomatoes at a brick wall, but of course I don't.


Bob. You and I BOTH know that marriage in any form isn't "taught" in public schools AT ALL. There's not even anything about school curriculum in Question 1 to begin with:

"Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?"

The only place I've heard anything about public school being related to this issue is in those fear-mongering ads put out by the Yes on 1 people.

The Maine ATTORNEY GENERAL even refuted the gay marriage/public school slant of Yes on 1 campaign advertising:

"I'm appalled at those ads as well. I have no reason to believe that a vote on Question One allowing the law to stand would dictate any change in the curriculum in Maine schools."

I mean, come on - you have to give at least SOME credit to our Attorney General for maybe knowing what the hell she's talking about, rather than "something I saw on tv so it must be true."

Your argument bringing up curriculum truly makes no sense to me, it's not even part of the question! If you have another source proving otherwise, I'd certainly like to hear it.

You said yourself that you support the right to everyone to be married, regardless of sexual preference. So why did you vote yes? The question had NOTHING TO DO WITH PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Yet the Yes on 1 campaign released lies and deception about this very topic and people took it as truth.

Doesn't it bother you at all that you are being deceived?

Your argument about kids being "taught" to be gay has nothing to do with gay marriage being legal. Gay people will still be in existence whether they can be married or not. Our kids will still be exposed to them, their lifestyles, and the lifestyles of every other "different" kind of person that exists. We can't influence that, but we CAN influence what our kids do with that information.

My son doesn't even know what being gay is - or being straight, for that matter. We've never explained to him what two people do in the privacy of their homes, eventually we'll have the birds and bees discussion but for the moment all he knows is that people love each other and want to be together.

As always I am baffled as to why you are so quick to pull out the condescending talk the moment someone voices a differing opinion. Disagreement isn't demeaning someone.

It's ironic that you accuse me of demeaning you while using frequent sarcasm and the language "your mighty perch on your teetering soapbox" - is that not demeaning to me? Am I not allowed to share my thoughts and my opinion with you, or is that too threatening to you? I haven't said a thing about your economic station, your character, the environment in which you live. YOU called YOURSELF "blue-collar redneck", not me, and if you want to view that a certain way then it's your prerogative.

I find it even sadder that the way you describe the "gay lifestyle" as a choice and profess "I am not a hatemonger" that you ARE discriminating and you ARE demeaning. I don't know if you realize it, but it's true. It's like someone saying, "I'm not a racist!" If you have to profess it, it ain't true.

I don't know why you get so defensive when someone doesn't agree with you. I mean, I know it's comfortable to be amongst people who all say the same things and feel the same way, but that's just not how the world works as a whole. I think the most important thing I can teach my kids, personally, is that sometimes I'm wrong. Something you may want to consider since we're on the topic of teaching our kids. What are you teaching yours?


Okay, I got a teensy bit vindictive there at the end, I couldn't help it because my brother is an abusive alcoholic (also just like Mom) and I cringe to think what my niece's home life is like.

Thanksgiving is going to be awesome this year.

Today I turned the heat on.

It's kicked on a couple of times at night in the past month, but today I actually said to myself, "Self, it's time to turn the heat up." I'm wearing wrist warmers and the hood of my sweater and realized that no, the end of my nose should not be that cold if I'm supposed to be trying to work. It's okay not to freeze my ass off while attempting to be productive.

And can I just say that I am so so SO happy that Michael moved our machines into one room in the main house? I was a little sad at first, basically giving up the concept of a nursery (but let's be honest, it's never actually been used as one unless you count that year when there was a crib set up acting as a giant clean laundry basket) and I'm not totally thrilled with its proximity to the bedroom as I like to keep the "living" portions of the house as electronics-free as I can. However now with everything crammed into the better-insulated single heating zone it's a lot easier to stay warm while working. We need to do a lot more insulating out in the dining room and kitchen but at least we can close it off.

Which does make me wonder - what did the previous occupants do? The house is set up pretty distinctly so that the kitchen/dining room/craft room zone doesn't really feel like part of the house-house - it's hard to explain but that's the best way I can think to describe it - and the extension with its connecting door obviously formerly an outside storm door is definitely separated. The only way I could see the entire house being usable and contiguous during the Winter would be to run the heat very high, all the time. If they did that, they must have had astronomical oil bills, but of course at around a buck a gallon it probably wasn't as much of a pinch as it has been the past couple of years. The kitchen just feels draftier, too, and that's with some improvements - I couldn't imagine with the wheezy old furnace and less insulation that it's ever been cozy out there when it's 40 degrees outside.

But anyway. I can say that our new furnace was an excellent investment, it works quickly, quietly, and very very well. I love being able to take a shower while the heat is on or, better yet, run an actual tub of hot water rather than a few inches of tepid - it's going to be a huge boon this Winter.

In other news, Mim's rash is back quite suddenly and with a vengeance. It showed up looking very yeasty but didn't spread too hideously, and after a week or so went away on its own. We've been using a zinc oxide cream to help keep it from getting worse and that was that. Yesterday, however, it showed up again and looked ugly this morning. I just got a call from the daycare that she's having some real trouble with it, very uncomfortable sitting and walking and any time she pees she starts to cry. I called the pediatrician's office and was told not to bring her in due to the large number of sick kids there (which frankly was a relief) and instead they called in a prescription for Nystatin cream. I might try some yogurt first, I have plain yogurt in regular and Greek varieties. Poor kid. Can't win.

I've also outed myself as one of "those parents" to my son's teacher. I wrote her an email regarding the school H1N1 vaccine clinic that is scheduled in a week. We only received paperwork for CONSENTING to vaccination and a form to fill in whether you want the injection or the nasal spray, with nothing for a parent to use in opting out. I want to make sure his teacher and the school nurse are very clear that he is not to receive the vaccine at all. His classroom is scheduled from 9-10am so I'm considering sending him to school late that day so he misses it, just to be safe.

I do worry a little that with other kids in his class receiving the attenuated virus (I don't know why I see people on the internet saying "The US is not using the live attenuated virus in any of their H1N1 vaccines" - I got this info from the CDC website - only the shot is inactivated.) that he might somehow catch it from them. I'll just have to have faith in his general health and supplement the family with vitamin D to hopefully stave it off or at the very least make it less severe.

Yeah, I know, there are plenty of people out there who think I'm crazy or that I'm unnecessarily risking my kids. I don't know how to respond to that - insulting me or implying I'm careless certainly isn't going to change my mind and I've done a lot of research before coming to this conclusion. At this point in time and with my knowledge I believe the risk from getting H1N1 to be less severe than the risk of getting the vaccine.

But, alarmist or not, accurate or not, this sort of thing still makes me think and makes me look for more information.

I don't even know why I bother. I am positive this will go in one ear and out the other but when it comes to family I can't just stand there and not at least try to get through.

Bob responded to my Facebook note, and as you can see I really, really don't get him. What does this even mean?

I am not condoning or congratulating gay couples. In fact I believe that two people either straight or gay should have the right to marry. I am not a hatemonger. I simply feel it is my choice to decide the curriculum I feel best suited to my parental teachings. Alas the homesexual groups cry for equal rights. Then do i not have the same EQUAL rights to make my own choices without fear of persecution.

Here, for your information, is the text of Question 1 as it appeared on the statewide ballot:

Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?

Buh? Curriculum? Teachings? Miss the point much? Does that even make sense?

Anyway I responded.

Well, not for nothing but this issue had nothing to do with being gay, it had everything to do with allowing everyone to get married. That's it. The commercials about "the gay agenda" teaching gay marriage in public schools was a falsified scare tactic and nothing more. Gay people aren't going away, there are going to be just as many as there were before, only now it's clear that the majority of voters WANT them to be treated like second-class citizens. I am really hoping that my kids don't learn that lesson - that it's okay to treat people badly who are different than them.

Gay people don't have equal rights, because we can get married and they cannot. Replace the word "gay" with something else - "black", "female", "blue-eyed" and it's the same situation.

It makes me really sad that the Yes on 1 campaign (which was heavily funded by the Mormons, incidentally, the same group that tanked this issue in CA) restored to telling lies just to get people to react on the whole "gay" issue.

This isn't about whether you and I agree with people being gay, because being gay is a *personal* matter. It's about everyone having the same opportunities, which now we don't.

Think of it this way - what if someone came into your home and decided that because of a very personal decision you have made about your life that affects no one else, you can't have the same rights as anyone else? Pick anything - your favorite color, for instance, or the fact you're six feet tall. It's immaterial if people think your favorite color is a choice or you're born that tall, the ISSUE is that someone could say, "Well, people who are six feet tall make me uncomfortable so they shouldn't be able to eat in the same restaurants that I do so I don't have to deal with their tallness." It sounds ludicrous, but it's the same thing this country has done to blacks, to Asians, to women, to Native Americans, the list goes on and on. Where does it stop?

THAT is the problem. That any of us can say that a fellow American isn't entitled to the same freedoms that we enjoy as a citizen of this country.

Last but not least if you're truly concerned about the public school curriculum, why not get involved? Volunteer, join the PTO, talk to your legislators about funding and contracts. I'm a whole lot more concerned about standardized testing practices and making sure my son is challenged and encouraged to succeed, or about the fact that teachers here are working without legal contracts, than I am about the chance a book might end up in the library with a same-sex couple in it.

Sigh. I don't know what makes me more upset, the fact that my brother, who when we were kids was a really smart person, truly believes what he says (even if I have no idea what he's talking about), or the fact that he represents the educated portion of the voting population who unquestioningly swallow scare tactics hook, line, and sinker. Around here all you have to do is say "gay" and you'd get people do do anything. "Here, kill this kitten or else gay porn will be passed out in the cafeteria lunch lines at school."

To me, and maybe I'm talking out of my ass, this ISN'T about specifically being gay. Yes, in this instance it is gay people who are being persecuted, however in the bigger picture this to me is about civil rights for a specific group of people. It doesn't matter in my eyes if it has to do with their nationality, their religion, their sex, their appearance or something personal like sexual preference.

There's so much work to do to get people to see the forest and not just the trees.

A couple of days ago I talked about the ads being run by Yes on 1 and how only complete idiots would actually believe that kind of bullshit, that "gay marriage would be TAUGHT in our public schools". I mean, really? REALLY?!

Anyway. Question 1 passed. Yay, let's stomp on the rights of fellow Americans. I've already unfriended a couple of assmunches on Facebook who are all like "I'm so proud to be an American today!" The irony, it fucking burns.

My older brother rarely updates his Facebook, he just plays Farmtown. Today he deigned to add a status:

"Thankfully I now can rest my fears as to what the public schools were going to be required to teach my 5 yr old! But for how long is the real question??"

Do you see how very different we are, my brother and I? I really, truly, honestly do not understand him. I'd use the colored only water fountain analogy with him only I truly believe that he would LIKE it if there were separate water fountains for whites and blacks, and blacks had to ride at the back of the bus. I am so totally not joking.

I left him this comment:

"Yeah Bob, because gay people are going to just GO AWAY. You know how much hetero marriage we were taught at school...I took "how to be straight and married" classes every year!"

I'm left shaking my head. I don't get it. I'm not gay, I got married in my back yard and not a church, I could really care less if other people want to get married the way they want. The fact that so much GOVERNMENT is tied up in the LEGAL CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE is the problem - if marriage were completely secular then it would be LEGAL and this WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.

The polls aren't completely in but the gay marriage ban is on its way to being voted in. Which sucks. I'm just going to go to bed and hope for the best at this point.

Just got back from voting - No on 1, of course, voting down the proposed ban on gay marriage. I asked kidlet yesterday what he thought and he said, "Don't they love each other? If people love each other they should be able to be married." Righto. Of course if it were up to kidlet "two boys can marry two girls!" and then things would get really complicated around here.

My husband is saying that he voted no on 1 so he can keep his options open in case things change. Hardy har. He won't be rid of me that easily!

I'm sitting here at my desk right now shouting "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT" at him at the desk next to me, he's telecommuting today. I like his telecommuting days, we get to hang out. I was telling him he couldn't have my potato salad even though initially I offered it to him. I changed my mind. I am fickle.

For some stupid reason I've started watching the original Battlestar Galactica series from 1978, I found it streaming on Netflix. It's pretty, um, dated. That and the character Starbuck makes me crave Frappuccinos.

Had a great great great swim today. I was the only one there. Not only did I do two full laps (separately, not two laps at once as I'm not there yet) complete with flip turns but I hardly stopped the entire time. When I got winded I'd just swim on my back for a length until I caught it and could put my head back in the water again. I'm getting good at the breaststroke.

I definitely think that almost a month into it, now, that my overall health is improving - I'm finding I can't stomach overly sweet or greasy food any more. We went to brunch on Sunday and I actually ended up sending my food back as it was too heavy, just stuck with coffee and yogurt and a biscuit. They people at the restaurant were really nice about it - took it off the bill and gave us a 30% off coupon on top of that since we go there pretty often. I tipped on the pre-coupon, pre-entree removal amount because our waiter was really nice and it wasn't his fault that the food was nasty.

I've been hearing these "Yes on 1" ads on the radio over the weekend and I can't help feeling like they are the sort of thing we're all going to feel chastened and horribly embarrassed about in fifty years, sort of like those photographs of "colored only" drinking fountains from the 1940s.

They're really awful, they state all kinds of inaccuracies about how the "gay agenda" is going to teach homosexual marriage in Maine's public schools...I mean, come ON. There isn't suddenly going to be a class on how to be gay. Public school doesn't teach heterosexual marriage, either, it just doesn't exclude it like it doesn't exist - the whole marriage topic is purely incidental in relation to what is actually being taught in school. I don't get it at all.

Here, this is an example of what I've been hearing...it's so ridiculous that it would be laughable if it wasn't so fucking depressing that people actually believe this shit.

My last post here was made on 6/13 - I have a ton of stuff to update since then, I didn't drop off the face of the earth, honest!

If you are at all interested I'm going to start with the oldest entries and work my way forward until I'm caught up.

I have a lot of areas of my life I've been working to get in order and I think my ElJay is indicative of general improvement. Here's hoping, anyway!

Update: I've started putting stuff in - click here to jump to the first backlogged entry.

(I also figured out what the "Date Out Of Order" checkbox is for so I won't flood everyone's flists...hee)

Well, I survived yet another birthday party. Kidlet and Katy had a joint party at the lake, he's going to be 6 (!!!!) next Friday and Katy turns 4 on Monday. Jenn and I waited a bit to get everything planned but pulling it all together last week worked out fine, just exhausting. We really lucked out as the weather was picture perfect today after months of nearly constant rain, and as an added bonus today happened to be Maine Day so all Maine residents got into the state park for free.

It was busy as hell, though, which was expected, and when we got there I had to kick six parties of people OUT of the area I had reserved with signs reading RESERVED on either end. Hm, yeah bitches - I called to reserve this area on April 1st and paid $25 for the privilege of having it all day so you can bite me. Thank goodness our friend Debbie was with me, I hate confrontation and none of those cockknockers wanted to move and made me come around to each table to kick them out individually. One woman actually had the stones to say to me, "There's a really big area over there," to me like I would say, "Oh sure, I'll just move my party of fifty people to some other random spot in this extremely busy state park just so I don't displace you and your mouth-breather of a son." Jackass. Even better were the people who said, "Oh, I didn't KNOW," to which I wanted to say, "How could you not see the big sign that you had to WALK BY to get in here?" I mean, seriously. If it had been me squatting on someone's reserved spot I would fall all over myself apologizing and get the fuck out of Dodge, not try to make excuses and make the person very politely asking you to move feel like a jerk. Sigh. But anyway. Next year I'll just show up early and take a dump on each table to mark it.

I try not to get stressed out about birthday parties even though they are a colossal amount of work - last year we just did a small party at home because that whole year after Mim was born was a total blur. I feel a little bad about that but Michael still had a great time. I figure it's once a year, and the least I can do is make sure my kids have fun birthday parties. I never had parties that I could invite friends to, it was always just a cake with my immediate family and didn't feel very special. Kidlet had some kids from his Kindergarten class, the friends we already knew, family, and it was a good showing. I felt terrible that K&M drove all the way up from Boston with their nearly 2-year old and then couldn't find us at the park, but there's no cell reception either so I didn't hear my phone ring while they were trying to get in touch with us. It took them an hour of walking around to find us, the poor things. It was so great to see them, though, I was very thankful they made the trek especially with a wee one. Who, I might mention, might be the sweetest kid in history, and painfully adorable. They are such fantastic parents. I'm so glad we got to see them.

Kerry also made the trip with her traveling circus and it was wonderful to see them, too, as it's been a year (!) since I saw them last. I talk to her online now and again but it doesn't replace seeing them in person. I wish I could have spent more time with her while they were there, heck, with everyone while they were there. Her kids are getting so huge, where does the time go?

It frustrates me to think that we could spend every weekend visiting someone we know and catching up and still not be able to see everyone. And if we did that, we'd never have any time to do things around the house that need to be done - we don't get nearly enough done as it is. Ugh, so frustrating, Summer is nearly over and I feel like we haven't even HAD much of it, yet.

Anyway, the party was a great success - both kids got a pile of gifts and everyone had cake and ice cream and went swimming and ran around like crazy people. I didn't make a cake this year, I just couldn't face the idea of baking something in the middle of everything else that was going on so Jenn and I got cakes from the local bakery. They were very good, if pricey, and that reminded me why I usually bake every year :) Ah well, there's always next year. I was thinking that since we're getting together with my stepfather on Friday to celebrate Michael's actual birthday that maybe I'll make a small castle cake for him then. He loved the one I ordered - the top was decorated to look like a construction site with little trucks and candy rocks. Very cute.

I think I got some sun even though I was in the shade pretty much all day - I didn't wear sunscreen (argh) and the back of my neck feels tight and itchy. Bleck. It's late and I'm still awake though I should really be in bed. I went to bed at 9pm last night and still couldn't get up in the morning so, really, what's the point? I am so annoyed with myself. Maybe I need to get my ass back to therapy and get some more happy pills because this insomnia/oversleeping business is no fun. No fun at all.

I did see a new endocrinologist last week as I'm ready to get back on the PCOS/insulin resistance treatment wagon, now that Mim is older and not nursing nonstop and I have no plans to get pregnant for the foreseeable future. The new endo is very very nice, I wasn't sure what I was getting into as there aren't a whole ton of them around here and he's based out of the diabetes center in Scarborough so he's only in town once a week or so. But yeah, we had a nice 60 minute consultation and he learned my whole life story, talked about my successful treatment back in 2001, talked about my kids, etc. I'm back on the Metformin and I'm going to go for a blood test to get a new baseline for my fasting glucose and androgen counts, things like that.

After three kids I really have no idea what "normal" is for me any more, all I know is that I'm frustrated with being fat and I do not want to end up diabetic so I'm ready to work on myself again. It's going to be a lot harder as I'm nearly ten years older and have less time than I ever did, but I need to do something. He said I have a very good attitude about everything and that he thinks I'm on the right track. That was after I told him, "Hell, I know what I have to do, it's not like it's some huge mystery, so I just need to jump back in and really iron out my diet and commit to exercising every day. I'll figure it out, I need to make it happen somehow." He also commented that I "seem to know a lot about this stuff" and I laughed. "Yeah, I make it my business to know," I said.

Anyway, it was all good. I'm going back to see him in three months and see how things are going. I'm a little worried about my blood work, I hope that my glucose is good, and I'm also worried about my blood pressure as it was 130/80, the highest it's ever been for me. I haven't had my blood pressure taken since Mim was born and I remember it being high while I was pregnant with her but I guess it hasn't gone back down since then. Hopefully losing weight will help with that. The endo doesn't seem worried, though, when I said that I was concerned that my bp was so high he looked at my numbers, laughed and said, "When you said 'high' I was expecting something really high, but this, well, ha!" He's a trip. I'm so glad I like him because there aren't a lot of options here. I'm glad that he really heard what I had to say. That's super good.

The downside of Metformin is that there's...an adjustment period, to put it nicely. It really messes with your guts a bit while you get acclimated to it, and though he did prescribe me the time-release version to help reduce the negative effects I'm still dealing with a bit of gastronomic distress. It's not terrible, just sudden and somewhat embarrassing if anyone is around to hear it. Fortunately I take my pills before bed so they don't cause me any trouble until the following evening, when I'm at home. In time this too shall pass. (Ha, pass.) Hey, no entry about my kid would be complete with out poo, would it?

Here's one last thing that's highly inappropriate for you all to enjoy. Personally I think this would be a perfect bridal shower gift. Just try, TRY not to laugh out loud at 0:19:

More photos today. Forward momentum, slow but steady.

















I am really loving this yarn, it was an experiment. It involves mixing up a crapton of dye and was very fiddly but I think the results are worth it.

I managed to take a few pictures today. That counts for something, doesn't it?

I don't have any names for these though.





This one is sold:








I guess I'll have to drag my motivation back here kicking and screaming.

In regards to Mim, I agree as well that her not speaking a ton of words isn't any cause for concern and I'm definitely not worried about her development at all. My concern was that her hearing was being impacted by ear infections but lo and behold, she's fine (and I have the audiologist's report to prove it) so she'll speak in her own good time. Bringing her to be evaluated by a speech therapist is not a big deal to me - it's not invasive and I'm curious to see how they handle kids under two because I certainly can't get her to do the things I want unless she's in the mood to do them, ha! Like I said, I'll bring her to see what they say, and if they really want her to have therapy it won't hurt her any if she doesn't need it. No big whoop.

As for me and my tinnitus, I didn't even know it was a condition until around 1996. Up until then I either didn't think about it much at all or assumed that everyone had the same ringing in their ears. Then I ended up reading an article in Reader's Digest or TV Guide by William Shatner, who apparently has tinnitus and he mentioned that Leonard Nimoy suffers from it also. I was finally able to put a name to what I'd been experiencing all my life and it was somewhat comforting to confirm that it is a real problem that people actually have and not just all in my head (ha, pun!).

My ringing, as I mentioned, is multi-tonal. It's really hard to describe, actually, as it's a very "round" sound is the best way I can think to put it - it's balanced equally between both ears so rather than hearing it in my ears themselves I hear it in the center of my head. The higher range is very high-pitched and there's a distinct middle tone that's the loudest but all in all I'd say that I hear between three and five tones at one time. In addition to that every time I swallow, yawn, or if I change the pressure in my ears by "flexing" the ear muscles, I guess - I do it consciously - I hear a cluster of simultaneous clicks. The volume of the ringing varies. As I go about my day I can usually tune it out since there's a lot of ambient noise, though if I concentrate briefly I can tune it back in. I'm at least able to forget about it for most of my normal day. When I'm under stress or angry it definitely gets louder. When it's quiet, especially if I think about it at all it becomes distracting to the point that I can't fall asleep at night unless I'm completely exhausted. It has occurred to me that this may contribute to my insomnia and why I'll stay up to the point that I'm nodding off sitting up before attempting to sleep because otherwise I'll just lay there staring at the ceiling listening to my head.

Relaxation helps a little but I don't think I'm able to truly, completely relax because I'll think something like, "Okay, just ignore the ringing and relax" and of course immediately the ringing will become front and center in my consciousness. It makes me wonder how it might be unconsciously impacting me, the fact that I've never had a moment of true silence or stillness in my entire life. When I first put a name to what I have I remember being really angry and desperate, thinking that I would give anything for a minute of true, pure silence. I can't even imagine what that would be like as it's such a foreign concept to me.

I've also experimented with thinking of sounds in my head and have had moderate success canceling out or at least muting some of the tones I'm hearing. I basically think of a tone close to or harmonic with the loudest middle tone and if I concentrate hard enough I can "stop" hearing that middle tone. It takes a lot of effort and concentration, however, so it's not like I can do that while going about my day. It does make me see the potential in noise-canceling hardware, if I could get something set to the exact frequencies it might help.

I do give my tinnitus some credit, however, as I think it's actually helped me as a musician as I can tell when a note is off-key because it wavers. It also makes me a perfectionist because something that's not pleasing to the ear really irritates me a lot. There's some music that I become immediately enamored with, no doubt because it goes well with the concert in my brain (hence "Resonance" since that pretty much defines me), while at the same time some music grates on my nerves and I never warm to it likely because it's clashing with my own ringing. My computer bugs the crap out of me as it has a slight vibration in the case that buzzes intermittently and the cycling of the hard drive is just off of my lowest tones, not to mention it pulses. Ugh, I hate it. I wear headphones most of the day (and most of the time I'm not even playing music) just to help me focus. At least the tinnitus is constant. Plus I get the secret super power of always knowing when a television or monitor is left on. I just wish the refrigerator didn't make me so crazy.

.....

I am so frustrated - I dyed three bundles of roving the other day figuring I could do one or two every so often to keep creative. I hung them on the clothes dryer outside since it was a sunny day and roving dries best, in my opinion, outside in the sunlight. It was nearly dry that night so I left it out figuring the morning sun would finish the job except it rained briefly overnight. Fine, I figured, I'd leave it out some more. Only it has rained for at least an hour every friggin day, and today it is absolutely pouring. I know I should just bring it and let it drip dry in the bathtub then hang it in the dining room window, but I hate drying stuff inside. What the heck is up with our weather this Summer? It's seriously depressing.

Last year was like this, too - I planted tomato plants and they looked exactly the same in October as they had in May. My current tomatoes, peppers, and basil all look the same except the large tomato plant is yellowing from lack of sunlight. What a huge pain in the ass. I think it was doing better all root-bound in a tiny pot in my dining room. Arrgh. The ironic thing is that I had forgotten a paper envelope containing some beans in the box Daria brought the plants in, which got left outside in the enclosure when I planted everything. Yesterday I noticed tall, strong bean plants growing up out of the package and through the box. That just figures. I want to transplant them, maybe just fill the cardboard box with dirt and plant them there, but I'm seriously afraid I'll kill them with that kindness. They seem to be doing great just sitting exposed in wet cardboard. Sigh.

I love how people look at all this rain and say, "Ha, where's that global warming now?" Gee, I don't know, where does rain come from? Clouds. What are clouds made from? Water vapor. How does water get turned into vapor? I'll let you answer that one on your own but I'll bet a whole bunch of polar bears know.

What a depressing Summer. We had one nice week after Joy left (of course) which was still punctuated with enough rain that mowing the lawn didn't happen. As much as I would have liked to mow during work hours I did actually have, you know, WORK to do. Which means I still don't have my damned screen tent up, and that thing was going to be the centerpiece of Summer hanging out. I am so pissed. Every year I think, "Why didn't I spend more time outside on the deck last Summer?" and then I remember, oh, that's right, it rained 75% of the time and 20% of the time left over we were working.

Getting SAD in July would just be pathetic. How the hell did we get to the END of the month already?

.....

Well, I'm going to get motivated to do...something. I'm caught up on work this morning, a nice feeling for once. I looked at the two tables full of yarn and roving from Joy's visit (again, what we managed to accomplish in just one afternoon astounds me) and I really, really, really have to get my Etsy shop updated. I have waaaaaay too much stuff waiting to be posted. Ugh. Come on, motivation, where are you?

Ugh. Work, sleeping poorly, planning my son's birthday and planning another surprise event for a friend have all got me completely pinned to the wall. I never really thought about just how much work (and $$) it is to plan an elaborate party for someone. I'll talk more about it once it's actually over, while it's very unlikely the person involved would see anything I write, I still don't want to take a chance.

I have also been having the weirdest, strangest cramps lately. Weird crampiness and nausea - I know what you're thinking, and while it's technically possible the probability is very very slight. I just feel shitty. I ordered a bunch of dip sticks anyway, just to have on hand.

Speaking of babies, Margaret. Oh, Margaret. Her sleeping at night continues to be constantly interrupted, and she's still exhibiting overall crankiness. I've been putting the ear oil to her every night and most mornings, but once in a while I'd forget for a couple of days and she'd start getting snotty and eye goopy again. How frustrating. I don't know if I mentioned this but I have been worn down on the concept of ear tubes after that appointment with the ENT in Brunswick. If Mim was waking up all night long due to ear pain and it was possibly affecting her hearing and speech development, I felt I owed it to her to make things right. With that in mind I decided to look up another ENT in Portland and get a second opinion. I picked a practice randomly from Cigna's website and they just happened to have a cancellation today (Tuesday) so I snapped it up.

We saw the new ENT, who was very nice, he looked in Mim's ears and nose but wouldn't remark on what he found until he sent her for a hearing test. I wasn't sure how they test a baby's hearing but soon found out - you go sit in the soundproof booth with the baby on your knees while you sit back in the chair, and then the technician makes sounds and directs them to different speakers then watches to see where the baby looks in response. She started out saying, "Hello hello," and then "Meow, meow, meow," and then "Blooblubloo!" and I started laughing, it was too funny. Then she switched to higher-pitched noises and alternated sides, then frequency and volume. I noticed toward the end that Mim was looking from side to side but I couldn't hear anything.

We were brought back into the examination room and were soon rejoined by the doctor. "You're making my job hard today," he said to Margaret, and then to me, "Her ears are perfect, and her hearing is also perfect." "No infection?" I asked. "Nope, none at all and her eardrums look fine," he replied. What a relief!

In talking to him I became even more happy at following my gut feelings - I told him what the other ENT had said about negative pressure and recommending tubes and trapped fluid, to which this doctor replied, "You see, lots of parents bring their kids in around April or May with ear trouble because kids are just getting over being sick all Winter long. I usually tell them to come back at the end of July, beginning of August so I can see if they have the capacity to get better. What he told you indicates to me that she was getting better, not worse." He seemed sorry that I came all the way to Portland for nothing but frankly I was so happy to hear that Mim is just fine. Totally worth the time and effort.

He did discuss her nose, however, as I've noticed it gets crusty if we don't keep cleaning it. He said that since she is in daycare it's common for kids to get infections in their adenoids from all the viruses going around, and then that will cause the inflammation and snotty nose, which then contributes to goopy eyes and ear infections. He recommended we administer saline at least once a day to keep things as clean as possible in her nasal passages. We made a follow up appointment for January so he can check her in the middle of the Winter - if she were still having trouble then, he said, we could discuss getting her adenoids removed but even that would be a slight chance judging by how she looks today. He said that everything I had described seemed to point to removing the adenoids rather than ear tubes. Again, I'm so glad I listened to my gut on this one.

The only frustrating thing is that Mim's poor sleeping and attitude issues are actually just her. I mean, maybe some of them are due to congestion or post-nasal drip or something, so maybe the saline will help, but oh my god I hope she figures out her sleeping issues and fast. Michael and I are both zombies.

So that was good news.

The only worrying thing is Mim's speech. She's still not saying a whole lot of words and the doctor recommended I take her for speech therapy, then asked me what I thought of that. I told him that personally I wasn't worried about Mim's development - she has an older brother who talks for her all the time and she's very good at communicating what she wants without speaking words. She also understands everything we tell her so it's not a comprehension issue. However, I said, I have no problem taking her for an evaluation and therapy if it's deemed necessary - if she doesn't actually need it, it won't hurt her, but if she does she'll be ahead of the game. I think she's fine. I'm not worried about that at all. We'll see where it all goes.

On my way out I bit the bullet and made an appointment for myself to see the same doctor in two weeks' time. I need to finally admit to myself that I need a proper hearing test. I've needed one for a very long time - I think the last one I had was in elementary school. I've had tinnitus all my life and as I get older it only gets worse. When I'm stressed or preoccupied it gets very loud, it even keeps me awake at night sometimes, and I've had an inkling the past decade or so that I've lost some of my hearing. I really don't want to face that and acknowledge that, being a musician, but there it is. I've been having more and more trouble understanding things people say to me unless I'm looking at them and I can try to blame it on their mumbling but it happens a lot these days. It scares me, to be honest, but ignoring it isn't going to solve anything.

The thing that sucks is that I've had tinnitus my entire life, at least as far back as I can remember (three or so). I don't know if something happened to me in infancy that caused it or I was just born with it. From my own research there's really nothing that can be done about it. There are treatments, but they're marginally helpful if at all and almost never helpful to lifers. I know there are hearing aids that are designed to create white noise in the ear to cancel out the tinnitus tones, but I don't know if I'm ready to consider something like that. My tinnitus is a high-pitched multi-tonal ringing that's pretty much constant. Maybe I'd consider hardware to help me sleep.

Well, anyway. I'm looking forward to and dreading this appointment. It's definitely overdue but I'm scared to find out just how much hearing I've lost and what that means as I get older. Will I go deaf? I've been thinking a lot about learning American Sign Language after doing baby signs with the kids, maybe this will kick me in the ass to actually do it.